


Burning the Past

by Dreepy



Series: The Sword and Shield of Faerghus [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Coming Out, Crests (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Faerghus (Fire Emblem), Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route Spoilers, Friends to Lovers, Garreg Mach Monastery (Fire Emblem), Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Spoilers for Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Swordfighting, Sylvain Jose Gautier's Father's Bad Parenting, Sylvelix - Freeform, both kinds of swordfighting, sylvix - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-15
Updated: 2021-03-15
Packaged: 2021-03-24 04:06:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30066393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreepy/pseuds/Dreepy
Summary: Felix wishes he weren't gay and Sylvain wishes he weren't born. They can't keep running from the past after a fateful stay at the Gautier Estate.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Series: The Sword and Shield of Faerghus [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2212005
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	1. Prologue - Felix and Glenn

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically the second fan fiction I've ever written and the first I've made public. I had to write it because I found the dynamic of these two to be so compelling. I felt like there was a lot of subtext in canon that seemed to imply that Felix is gay and in the closet and I wanted to have a fanfic that doesn't ignore the fact that Fodlan seems to be... not the most open to gay couples.
> 
> Anyway, I appreciate critique!

“I wish you didn’t have to marry Ingrid."

“Why’s that?” Glenn Fraldarius took his younger brother’s training sword and hung it beside his own on the wall. Even wooden swords, they knew, ought to be treated well. A knight had to learn to take care of his weapons, and the Fraldarius brothers were going to be knights.

“Because then you’ll leave!” Felix complained, crossing his arms and pouting.

Glenn sighed. He was only two years older, but already much more mature. He knew he had responsibilities and duties, and he was proud to fulfill them. He was even happy to take care of Felix when their parents were away, and to train with him, and answer his many questions about the world. He was always honest with him, not giving him answers just to placate him like their parents or servants did. And Felix liked that. He liked Glenn, and he didn’t want him to ever live apart. “I guess I will. But that’s still a long time away!”

Tears welled up in Felix’s eyes. “So it’s true, then, you will leave!” He took his sword back off the wall and threw it angrily on the ground. “I hate marriage! And I hate Ingrid!”

Patiently, Glenn knelt and picked up the sword again, replacing it on its hook. “No you don’t, Felix. You’re just upset that one day I’m gonna move away. But I promise I’ll always visit you, and you can visit me, too, any time you like!” He wiped a tear from Felix’s rosy cheek. “But I don’t think you’ll need to. You’ll get married, too, and you’ll love your wife so much that you won’t want to be away from her.”

“But what if I don’t want to marry a girl, Glenn?” Felix asked. His tears had already begun to dry up, and he uncrossed his arms, choosing instead to cling to his brother’s sleeve as they walked back to their estate from the training arena.

“You will, one day. When you’re older,” he assured him.

“What if I wanna marry a boy instead?”

Glenn stopped in his tracks. He looked down at his little brother with an expression Felix couldn’t quite place. “You shouldn’t say stuff like that, Felix.”

“Why?”

“People are gonna think you’re weird.” He started to take a step, but Felix still wasn’t coming along.

“Why?” he asked, looking both confused and disappointed.

Glenn shrugged. “Because girls have husbands. Boys have wives. You’re not a girl, are you?” Truthfully, he wasn’t sure of the answer himself. As far as he knew, it was just the way things always were, and to him it made sense. Why couldn’t Felix understand that?

“I’m _not_ a girl!” Felix huffed, launching himself at his brother and tackling him to the ground. The anger quickly turned to laughter as Glenn began to tickle him. He rolled off him in uncontrollable giggles, and then Glenn helped him to his feet.

“I know you’re not a girl, silly. Just… don’t go talking about this to anyone, okay? It’s not normal. And besides, I’m sure you’ll find a really pretty girl and fall in love with her, just you wait.” Glenn gave his brother an encouraging smile, and received a trusting nod in response. Seemingly content now, they continued their walk back home in comfortable silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glenn isn't a homophobic asshole, he's just a ten year old kid who really doesn't know any better. Even in the endings that pretty much everyone can agree are explicitly gay, the same-sex couples never have "marriage" in their character endings, so I get the picture that Fodlan is sadly not as progressive as we'd like.


	2. Felix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly Felix's perspective. Again, all critique is appreciated! Even just minor edits if you notice a typo or something

Glenn had been wrong, unfortunately, but Felix had kept up his end of the deal. He kept those thoughts to himself, although it got harder as he got older. Every time one of his friends would start going on about some girl, Felix felt his stomach twist. He couldn’t relate to that. He couldn’t understand why. What was he doing wrong? The more he tried to figure it out, the more confused he got, and he didn’t like being confused. So instead, he trained. He pushed his body to its limits, practicing day after day to get stronger. He wasn’t going to end up like Glenn. He would not end up dead on the battlefield. Maybe he couldn’t control his feelings, but he could control his body, and no one could take that from him.

“Hey, you should take a break.”

The voice startled him. He whirled around, pressing his sword against the neck of the idiot who dared disrupt his training. Sylvain put both hands up and took a step back. “Woah, there! It’s just me.”

Felix relaxed his shoulders and lowered his blade, but didn’t speak. He was out of breath.

“You’ve been going at this since sunrise. Have you had anything to eat today?”

Felix realized that it was nearly dusk. He had not, in fact, had anything to eat since he arose that morning. “I forgot.” He allowed Sylvain to take the sword from his hands and to put it away for him.

“I was thinking maybe you could join me for a bite in town?” Sylvain suggested.

Felix was about to agree, then hesitated. “I have some conditions.” His friend rolled his eyes and made a motion for him to go on. “You don’t get to hit on anyone there. Not the waitresses, not the townspeople, no one. I’m tired of you keeping me up at night with your  _ conquests _ .”

Sylvain pressed his lips tight, and turned to exit the training area. “I wasn’t planning on it tonight. What else?”

Felix was confused by the question, then he remembered he had mentioned multiple conditions. Time to come up with some more. “The boar better not be there.”

That was met with an almost melancholy laugh. “What, you think I’m gonna take you to dinner in the chapel?” Dimitri hadn’t left that building in weeks, they both knew. In his catatonic state, the only way to get him to leave the ruined chapel was to go to battle, and they were lucky enough to not have to engage in those more than once a month. “So if those are your only conditions, I guess you’re coming, yeah?”

Felix realized that he hadn’t moved. Sylvain was already in the doorway. He jogged a couple steps to catch up, and they walked into town in silence. It was typical for Felix not to initiate conversation. He generally preferred to listen, and occasionally respond. More than that, he liked hearing Sylvain’s voice. He secretly enjoyed the way it made his stomach flutter when his best friend laughed, and the comforting tones of him talking put Felix at ease. He had long been aware that his feelings for his Sylvain were different from how he felt about anyone else. He had realized, when he was a teenager, that he  _ could _ relate to some of the things his friends talked about when they were discussing girls. But his brother was right, it wasn’t normal. He hoped his brother was right about more than just that part. He hoped he would find a girl who made him feel the way Sylvain did. Then, he could finally forget about these stupid, weird feelings.

They got inside the restaurant and ordered their food. Silence lingered between them as they waited. It was typical for Felix not to initiate conversation, but Sylvain was different. He liked to talk and joke around. Something was clearly off this evening, Felix knew, but he wasn’t sure how to approach it. He just watched carefully as Sylvain fidgeted with his cutlery, and his hair, and his clothes, hands never staying still for long. It was oddly soothing to look at. He noticed a pattern begin to emerge: fork, knife, hair, napkin, collar, napkin, fork. The intervals differed but the order was hypnotically consistent. He only noticed he had been staring when Sylvain suddenly stopped his fidgeting.

“What? Do I have something on me?” He glanced uncomfortably at his hands and shirt and wiped his face with his sleeve, to be sure.

“No. I just noticed the way you were fidgeting had a pattern to it. Was that on purpose?”

Sylvain shook his head. “Sorry. I haven’t been able to focus today.” He paused and glanced to the side, unable to meet his friend’s eyes. “I got a message this afternoon. My father’s finally died.” He hadn’t meant to say ‘finally,’ but it had just slipped out. There was no harm in that, he supposed. Felix, of all people, was safe for him to speak his mind around. So he continued: “Since the Empire hasn’t gotten to Gautier territory yet, the professor thinks I should probably go back there. She says it’ll be important to establish a new margrave as quickly as possible so Sreng doesn’t move in.”

Felix nodded somberly. “The last thing we need is to be fighting two wars at once.”

“So I’m supposed to go there and at least find someone to act as a retainer before I can come back and keep fighting. Hopefully it won’t be long.” He let that hang in the air before adding, “I was wondering if maybe you would come with me. Rodrigue said that I might be able to grab a few things from Fraldarius when I return.”

Their plates arrived, and Felix considered his answer as he ate his first bites. He was more hungry than he’d realized. With his father now in Garreg Mach, there was no reason for him to stay away from his home. “Sure, I’ll come along. Don’t want you snooping through my things, after all.” 

Sylvain’s easy smile returned to his face, and the rest of their dinner conversation was much lighter. They agreed that they’d leave tomorrow morning, and with any luck they could return before the next moon in time for the battle at Gronder. Perhaps there they could finally defeat Edelgard and end this war. At the very least, they hoped to be able to secure support from the Alliance there. Felix wasn’t sure he wanted this war to end at all. When it was done, he’d have to start being groomed to take over lordship for when his father died. Part of that, he knew, would be finding a suitable wife. He grimaced at the thought. For now, though, he could push that out of his mind, and just listen to his friend talking the night away.

* * *

Come morning, Felix and Sylvain met with Rodrigue and the Professor in the chapel. They stood around Dimitri in some pathetic attempt to make it seem like he was part of the discussion too. Felix couldn’t bring himself to look in his direction, nor could he understand how Sylvain and the others could just act like nothing was out of the ordinary.

“Felix, are you listening to me?” His father’s voice jolted him to the present. “I said that when you return, you should take along some more horses and armour. At the rate the Adrestians are killing our mounts, we'll run out of horses before we run out of soldiers.”

“Fine,” he grunted in response. “Should I see about borrowing some pegasi as well?” He hadn’t seriously meant the offer, but the Professor responded in her usual sobriety.

“No, I think we should be fine. I’ll send a messenger if that changes.” Byleth looked over them both once more. “I think that will be everything.”

Rodrigue nodded in agreement. “I pray for your safe travels and swift return.”

Sylvain shook both of their hands before joining Felix as he exited the chapel. In the stables, Ingrid was waiting for them. She had already packed their supplies onto a mule that they were to take along. To Felix’s surprise, tears were welling in her eyes. She tried to blink them away, but it was no use. She wrapped her two best friends in a tight hug and made them promise to come back safely.

“I can’t lose either of you. You can’t go and die somewhere I can’t protect you,” she said through sniffles. Sylvain laughed and gave her a kiss on the cheek that made Felix’s chest tighten. He knew the three of them were just friends, but that didn’t stop the pang of jealousy he felt.

“We’ll be fine,” he groused, “as long as we leave before  _ nightfall _ .” He mounted his horse impatiently.

“Relax, Felix, it’s still early morning! We’ve got plenty of time. As long as we’re not ambushed by Adrestians on the way, this ride we’ll be a breeze.”

Sylvain was right about one thing: it had indeed been early morning when they left. Soon after their departure, storm clouds moved in. The rain slowed the horses’ pace, and it only got worse as they went farther north. The winter’s snow had not all melted in Faerghus yet, and the rain transitioned to cold sleet. It was hardly a pleasant ride, but they were certainly relieved when at last they arrived. Felix unburdened the mule as Sylvain got the animals settled in the stable. An old calico barn cat rubbed up against Felix’s shins.

“Aw, she remembers you!” cooed Sylvain, as he walked over to greet her. He knelt beside her and she nuzzled him affectionately. “Don’t you remember when she was a kitten?” He looked up at his friend with a warm smile.

“Yeah. Now can we get inside before I collapse?” grumbled Felix, beginning to feel the strain of all the bags he had piled in his arms.

“You’d think with all the training you do you’d be able to carry our stuff without complaining,” Sylvain chided as he stood. His smile was infectious, and Felix had to look away, not wanting to break his grouchy facade.

Sylvain gripped the door handle and swallowed. The smile vanished from his lips as memories returned. Felix placed a reassuring hand on his friend’s shoulder. Wordlessly, the two of them entered the estate. The entryway seemed smaller than Felix remembered. Smaller and emptier. Servants still milled about, greeting Sylvain with varying levels of warmth. An older man who Felix remembered as one of the Gautiers’ butlers came to take their belongings to their rooms. Most of Sylvain’s attention that evening was devoted to catching up with the various staff of the household. 

Felix didn’t mind the time to himself. He retreated to the guest room where he’d be staying. He sat on the bed and rubbed his legs, which were cramped from the long ride. He preferred to remain on his own two feet, and wasn’t used to being up on a mount all day. A maid was drawing a warm bath for him in the adjoining washroom. When she left, he stripped his clothes and submerged himself in the hot water. He closed his eyes, allowing himself a rare moment of relaxation. In the public baths at the monastery, he got in and out quickly, staying just long enough to get clean. He wasn’t fond of bathing with others. He’d never been comfortable with all the nudity. He was not ashamed of his body, but he didn’t like just anyone being able to see him unclothed. It felt like a violation of his privacy. On his own, with a locked door between himself and everyone else, he could at last take his time. He stayed in the bath until the water cooled. When he got out, he toweled himself off and slipped into a tunic and sleeping pants. He was not expecting a knock on the door when it came. He opened it to find Sylvain standing on the other side, still wearing the same clothes he’d had on all day.

“Hey, Felix. Mind if I come in?” he asked. Felix opened the door wider to let him in, and then closed it again behind him. Sylvain reclined on the bed. Felix opted to sit on the edge. “I feel like I haven’t had a chance to talk to you since we got home. Are you finding everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Felix nodded. He scoffed. “You know you don’t have to act like a host with me. I’ve been here enough times, after all.”   
  


“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I’m not used to all this just yet…” Sylvain stretched his arms above his head. “I see you’ve gotten a chance to bathe. Hopefully I will soon. I smell almost as bad as the horses.”

Felix smirked. “I’m glad you’re making yourself comfortable in my nice, clean bed sheets then.” This elicited a laugh from the new margrave, which made Felix glad. He relaxed enough to lie down beside him. A moment passed in silence. Felix imagined turning on his side and folding Sylvain up in his arms, feeling their breaths mingle. He imagined his friend’s soft lips and stubbled cheeks. He shut the thoughts out of his mind. He shouldn’t be imagining these things. He glanced over to find Sylvain looking at him.

“Remember when we were kids?” he asked.

“Obviously,” snorted Felix.

Sylvain looked away, up towards the ceiling again. “I could never understand why you didn’t wanna talk about girls with me.” Felix tensed. He didn’t like where this was going. Sylvain put a hand on his rigid arm and met his eyes again. “Hey, relax. It’s okay. You know you can talk about anything with me.” Felix wished that were true. His brother’s words rang in his ear, the words that warned him so long ago to keep some thoughts to himself. Sometimes, Felix wondered if he even cared if people thought he was abnormal. After all, most people’s opinions didn’t matter to him. But if Sylvain knew how he felt towards him, Felix knew things would never be the same. A life without his best friend was one he didn’t want to imagine. He sat up abruptly.

“You should take a bath. I don’t need you stinking up my bed anymore.” Sylvain sat up more reluctantly.

“Alright, alright,” he said with a forced chuckle. “Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Goodnight,” he added as he left the room.

“Goodnight,” Felix called back through the closed door. He drew a breath in relief. He liked spending time with his friend. He only wished that he didn’t like it in the way that he did. Because as much as he enjoyed their time together, it hurt him. The longing to be closer to him was too painful. He couldn’t recall when these feelings began. He had loved Sylvain for as long as he could remember. At some point, he knew he had to accept that these feelings were not going away. But tonight, like all the other nights before, he pushed his thoughts down and willed himself to a deep sleep.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The restaurant bit, with Felix staring at Sylvain, yes that was based on Observing at Tea Time.


	3. Sylvain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sylvain's turn for perspective.

Sylvain spent his night tossing and turning in his bed. It felt too big for him all by himself. When morning finally came, it was a relief. He got himself dressed and left his room as soon as it was light out. He knocked on Felix’s door but received no answer. He came downstairs to find his friend already sitting at the table eating breakfast. He smiled to himself. He should’ve known Felix would be awake long before him.

“Good morning, my boon companion!” Sylvain said with a flourish and a bow in front of Felix before pulling up the chair beside him to sit.

“Shut up,” he laughed, trying to hide a blush. “Tell me what you have planned for today.”

Sylvain cleared his throat. “Well, I’ll be going through my dad’s old office. I have to organize some of his papers, decide which documents to keep and which to burn. I imagine that’ll take up most of my day, but you’re welcome to enjoy yourself. You’re always working so hard, you deserve a rest.”

  
Felix shook his head. “No, I’ll help you with what you’re doing. That way you’ll have the evening free, and you can join me for a match in your training grounds.”  
  
Sylvain smirked. “You really do have a one-track mind. Alright, we have ourselves a deal.” He watched as his raven-haired friend wolfed down his food. He was fond of watching him. His movements were always so precise and deliberate. Occasionally, his thoughts would stray to imagine what it would be like to feel those muscles against his own. How would his movements feel if… He cut himself off. His job was to protect Felix. To look out for him. Felix was not his. Felix deserved better. He deserved someone for whom love was not tainted.

After breakfast, the two young men entered the old Margrave’s office. It was dusty, and the desk was covered in stacks of paper. Sylvain’s expression was grim. From what he had heard, this was the room his father had died in. A heart attack couldn’t have been nearly as painful a death as he had deserved. He picked up the first stack of papers in front of him as he sat in the office chair and began to leaf through them. This stack was the servants’ documentation, denoting their roles, duties, and salaries. He removed the documents of servants he knew were no longer under their employ before filing the stack away on a shelf. Next, he sorted through the tax records. Felix was sorting through the papers at nearly twice his speed, and Sylvain wondered how he managed to do it. He supposed it was likely because he wasn’t distracted by all the intrusive memories of things that had happened in this office. Sylvain felt his chest tighten, and reminded himself that he was an adult now, and his father was dead. His brother was dead. He wondered how many other people were finally dead as they ought to be.

“What are these?”

The question startled Sylvain out of his trance. He leaned over the desk to look at the papers Felix was holding out. He squinted his eyes, trying to figure out what these names and numbers all meant. The realization hit him like a punch in the gut, knocking the wind out of him. He fell back into the chair, blood drained from his face.

  
“What is it?” Felix asked, circling the desk to get closer. He put a hand on his shoulder. “Sylvain, what--”

“Get out, Felix,” he said, barely a whisper. His friend began to retort, but Sylvain raised his voice. “Go to your room!” Neither of them moved a muscle. Sylvain felt tears prickling at his eyes. He sounded exactly like his father. He closed his eyes and leaned forward, wrenching his shoulder out of Felix’s grip. “I’m sorry. I just… need to be alone right now.”

He heard Felix sigh in resignation, and then the door shut. When he opened his eyes again, he was alone. He let out the breath he’d been holding, and let the tears fall down his cheeks. He didn’t know whether he was surprised that his father had kept financial records of it. He knew those were some documents he did plan to burn. All of a sudden, he felt very tired and very weak. He had to pull himself together. He heard his father’s words echo in his mind: _“This will be our secret, Sylvain. You hear me, son?”_ When he caught himself nodding unconsciously in response, he jumped out of the chair. He needed to get out of that room. He threw open the door and stormed down the hallway. He found his feet pausing outside of the room that had once been his brother’s. The door was shut. He wrapped his hand around the doorknob, but didn’t turn it. He knew that his brother had no Crest. He had never had to _entertain his father’s guests_. Never had to _practice for when it counts_. His hand was trembling. He let go, and backed up a step. He heard a door open across the hall, and turned to see Felix standing there, papers in hand, looking up at him with wide amber eyes.

“Sylvain… Tell me,” he said voice low, “what did they do to you?”

Sylvain found himself unable to maintain his composure any longer. The tears were falling freely now. He felt a pair of arms wrapped around him, and he buried his face between Felix’s neck and shoulder. His body trembled, unable to speak. He drew back, eventually, realizing that the hallway may not be the appropriate place to have this conversation. He pulled Felix into the guest bedroom and locked the door behind them.

“These are records of--” Felix began.

“Yes. Those are the names of the nobles who came to visit to-- goddess, I can’t say it.” He buried his face in his palms as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“Take your time.” Felix sat beside him, a hand on his back to steady him.

“There are plenty of nobles who would do anything to have a Crest of their own. Plenty of noblewomen so desperate to have a Crest-bearing heir, and noblemen who just want to… I dunno. To lie with a Crest-bearer.” He glanced nervously at Felix, meeting his eyes only for a moment before looking down again. “The men used to tell me I was much better than their wives. That it must be because of my natural gifts.” He felt like he was going to throw up.

“Goddess. Why didn’t you tell someone? Sylvain, why did you never tell me?” Sylvain could tell Felix was on the brink of tears. It had been many years since he’d last seen his best friend cry. Not since they were children. Not since Glenn was killed.

“What would you have done about it?”

To that, Felix had no answer. There was nothing he could have done about it. Maybe he could have told his father, or his brother, anyone. How long had his best friend suffered through this by himself? He hugged Sylvain tightly.

“I don’t remember when it all started. At first, my father would come into my room. He had to make sure I was… developing properly.” He recalled the explanations the Margrave had given him, when he asked his father why he touched him like that. “When he decided I was ready, he would invite people over. He would let them look at me in his office, and if they liked what they saw they could go to my room and do what they wanted.” He remembered the shame he felt, having to undress and be inspected by adults. He was even more ashamed the first time his body betrayed him, orgasming in spite of how terrible he felt. “When I begged him to stop, he just told me what a fortune we were making. It was how he could afford riding lessons for me, or medical treatment for my mother when she was dying. Then I understood that I couldn’t complain. I remembered how bad Ingrid’s family had it, barely able to feed themselves. We were doing well over here.”

“That doesn’t matter, Sylvain. It was _wrong_.” Felix’s grip around him tightened, and he finally allowed himself to hug his friend back.

“It doesn’t matter. He’s dead, now, and I’m done paying the price for my Crest.” Sylvain nodded, further cementing his resolve. No more giving his body away to strangers. He was all his own, now, and no one could touch him unless he said so.

* * *

Sylvain didn’t remember falling asleep, but when he awoke, he was still wearing his clothes from yesterday, and Felix was still sleeping beside him. His hair had come undone during the night, and the way it pooled around his head now made him look like an angel, Sylvain thought. Felix would punch him if he said that out loud. The thought made him grin. He didn’t stir. His friend looked so peaceful, he couldn’t ruin that by getting up. Instead he lay on his side and watched Felix. He had told him everything yesterday, and he hadn’t run away. He hadn’t gotten upset or angry. He had stayed right beside him. That didn’t surprise him entirely. He knew how Felix felt about him, and had known for some time. For years, he couldn’t understand why Felix would get so upset whenever he’d talk about hot girls and what he’d like to do with them. As a teenager, he thought what his father had put him through was at least good for something, because he certainly had learned his way around a woman’s body. He hated himself for the times that he didn’t hate what he had been forced to do. Now that he was older, he understood that it wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t control his feelings or sensations, and it was so wrong of the adults in his life to have exploited him like that. When he was a child, he knew no better. His father had made it seem like all Crest-bearing sons had to do this. As he grew, though, so did his doubts. None of his friends had those same marks and bruises on their bodies, and they all looked at him strangely when he would flirt with grown-ups. He had almost told Felix, once, he remembered. After one bad night he had woken up to find the bed sheets bloody and feeling worse than he’d ever felt before. He was scared, and desperate to find help, and the only person he could think to confide in was his best friend. But his father had caught onto what he was going to do, and told him that if he spoke a word about what happened to him at night, that Fraldarius boy would never want to speak to him again. He had to be stronger, and learn to take it like a man. A shiver ran down Sylvain’s spine at the memory. That Fraldarius boy was with him now, and his father was buried in the ground.

Once, during a battle, Sylvain had thrown himself between an enemy’s axe and Felix’s back. He was lucky when the blade only hit his shoulder. It would have certainly hit Felix in the heart. Still, he had to retreat after that. Felix had burst into his bedroom at the monastery later that day, sick with worry. That was the first time Sylvain began to understand how he felt about Felix. He cared about him so much. As children, Sylvain was always protecting him, and providing him with a shoulder to cry on. He had to protect Felix because he couldn’t protect himself. So many nights he lay awake wishing someone could protect him from the monsters in the dark who caused him so much pain. He could protect Felix, and he always would, he’d promised himself as a boy. The way he felt about Felix was different from how he felt about pretty girls. It was different from how he felt about anyone. He trusted him implicitly. That was the reason he had suggested to Rodrigue that Felix come with him, and pick up supplies from the Fraldarius estate. He had to keep reminding himself that he could never be with Felix like that. He was spoiled goods, and his best friend deserved so much better.

Felix’s eyes fluttered open, blinking against the sunlight streaming through the wide bay window. “I don’t remember falling asleep.”

A wide grin spread across Sylvain’s face. “Me neither. I don’t think I ever got to hold up my end of the deal yesterday. So are we on for a match after breakfast?”

Felix immediately perked up at the prospect of sparring with his best friend.

As soon as they finished their breakfasts, they met on the training grounds. Felix was outfitted with a pair of gauntlets, and Sylvain brandished a lance. Predictably, Sylvain took the first swing, which his opponent dodged with ease. He took advantage of his small size and ducked under the lance, landing a couple quick blows at Sylvain’s torso before darting back.

“You’re too slow!” he jeered.

Sylvain knew that he couldn’t win this match by strength or speed: his friend outmatched him at both. He had to get creative. He stuck the tip of the lance in the ground and leapt off the ground, landing a swift kick to Felix’s chest. He stumbled backwards, but regained his footing quickly. Their sparring session stretched on for hours. Each time one would decisively win a match, the other would insist on trying again. Sylvain’s quick wit was the only thing keeping him afloat. He was comparatively out of shape. There were only so many tricks he could pull out of his sleeve before Felix once more had him pinned to the dusty ground. Loose strands of dark hair fell around his face. For a moment, Sylvain wondered what it would be like to kiss his friend. The thought was swept away when Felix stood up and reached a hand down to help him up. He registered just how much his muscles ached from the sustained exertion.

“You did well, for such a slacker,” he acknowledged with a smirk. “Still, you need to be faster on your feet. You can’t rely on your mount always doing the work for you.”

Sylvain rolled his eyes. No praise from Felix would be complete without a side of admonishment. He didn’t mind, though. They put away their training equipment and headed back inside the estate proper.

  
“I guess we should get back to filing those papers,” said Sylvain.  


Felix shook his head. “No. Not today. We have to do something first.” He led him upstairs and to the guest bedroom, where he retrieved the stack of papers detailing Margrave Gautier’s financial gain from selling his son. He walked to the fireplace and lit a match, tossing it in. The kindling ignited and caught on a log. Felix passed the papers to his friend, and Sylvain knew what to do. One by one, he fed the papers to the flames, watching them curl and burn, and imagining the people whose names were written there burning too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Sylvain's behaviours are typical of someone who's undergone a lot of abuse as a child. While him hitting on adults as a child was sorta played for a joke in the game, it is often seen as a red flag when working with children that they might be sexually abused. I guess I took that interpretation and ran with it, but it got... darker than I had anticipated, I guess. Sorry!


	4. Felix and Sylvain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for some sloppy perspective switches. Whoops.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One short scene in this is based on some spicy fan art I found of these two. I'll paste the link to it at the end of the chapter.

When all the papers were burned to ash, Sylvain wrapped Felix in his arms. “Thank you,” he said, voice muffled against his clothes.

They had been sparring for most of the day, and even Felix felt a bit tired from it. They agreed that they should take the evening to rest. Byleth didn’t expect them back at the monastery for at least a week. They could take things easy, if at least for a day. Sylvain ordered a servant to bring them their finest wine, and together in the guest room they drank the whole bottle.

“I had never intended for anyone to find out,” Sylvain admitted.

“No one else ever has to know.” Felix tried his best to give a reassuring smile, but the result had Sylvain laughing, which he supposed was just as well. The laughter had Felix smiling as well. He wished that things were different. That how he felt wasn’t _weird_ , and that his best friend had never been used and abused as he had. Under the effects of alcohol, Felix couldn’t help himself from staring at Sylvain and imagining what it would be like to be married to him. His daydream was suddenly broken by words he never had expected to hear.

“You can kiss me, if you want.” When Felix met his eyes, Sylvain was looking at him. Maybe looking through him. “I don’t want my body to be used by people anymore. I want to do what I want with it.” He leaned closer, until Felix could feel his breath against his lips. “And I know… I know that you look at me the way most boys look at a pretty girl. And I like it.”

Felix pulled away. If this was a joke, it was cruel. His hands instinctively moved to hide the tent in his pants. “Stop it, Sylvain. I’m… I’m not a girl.”

Sylvain blinked slowly. “And neither am I. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

Felix felt his heart skip a beat. His eyes widened, and then narrowed in disbelief. “No… it’s wrong. We can’t-- what about--” He was finally cut off by a pair of warm lips pressed against his own. He closed his eyes and pressed back. A tentative hand wrapped around his shoulder, pulling his whole body closer. He broke away. Sylvain opened his own brown eyes and looked at him. Felix could tell his friend was hazy from the alcohol, but so was he. “Is this real?” was all he could sputter. Sylvain nodded against his forehead, and kissed him again.

Felix had never felt quite so alive. He had always thought that mid-battle was the peak of exhilaration. This, however, took him to new levels of sensation. Sylvain’s cheeks felt like sandpaper against his own. He felt a tongue against his lips, and opened his mouth in response, letting him in. Their teeth clattered together as Felix tried to push himself as close to him as he could possibly get. They explored each other's mouths until the flames of the fire were dying down, and as the sun set they both began to feel a familiar chill. Sylvain led Felix to bed, and they climbed under the blankets. Sylvain began to work at the buttons of Felix’s shirt, kissing the skin of his chest as he exposed it. Then, he pulled off his own shirt and tossed it to the ground behind him. Felix was losing himself to Sylvain’s kisses when suddenly he pulled away.

“Wait here,” he said, hopping out of bed. He didn’t even bother to put his shirt on when he left the room, and he returned only moments later holding something Felix couldn’t quite identify in the dim light. It didn’t matter, though, as soon Sylvain was back in bed, kissing him again. Nothing else mattered but that. With a new courage he hadn’t had before, Felix took Sylvain’s hand and guided it down his belly to his erection. Sylvain already knew what to do. He unbuttoned his trousers and pulled them down, palming Felix’s bare cock. Felix couldn’t help but let out a moan.

“You like that?” Sylvain growled. Felix nodded, pressing his forehead against his friend’s collarbone. He was enamoured with the scent of him. He reached down and unbuttoned Sylvain’s pants, eager to return the favour. Sylvain rolled on his back, pulling Felix on top of him. With one hand, he reached up and untied Felix’s dark hair. It fell to his shoulders. Sylvain stared, mouth agape.

Felix blushed. “What are you looking at?”

The redhead’s mouth closed into a smile. “It’s just-- in the moonlight like that-- you’re beautiful.” This only caused Felix to blush harder, and Sylvain pulled him down into a kiss.

He lined their cocks up and began to stroke them both. Felix had never felt so good.

“S-Sylvain, slow down…” he panted. “Dammit…” His erection pulsed hard as he felt himself getting closer to release. His hands trembled as he gripped Sylvain’s well-muscled thighs. He couldn’t let himself come just yet. He wanted to stay in this moment as long as he possibly could.

“ _Now_ you want me to slow down?” he teased. “Not like I can…”

Felix groaned in pleasure, then gripped Sylvain’s wrist, forcing him to come to a stop.

“Was I doing something wrong?”

Felix shook his head and climbed off Sylvain. He lay down beside him. “I…” He couldn’t figure out what he wanted to say, or how to say it. But his lifelong friend could practically read his mind. He reached a hand down to Felix’s ass, and he inhaled sharply. Sylvain pulled him closer, and teased a finger around his hole.

“Is that what you want?” He could tell what the answer was as a soft whine escaped Felix’s throat. With his other hand, he retrieved the bottle of oil he had brought earlier. He opened it, and spread some over his forefingers. Gently, he pushed one into Felix. Sylvain studied his face as he touched him. He loved every single feature on it. He kissed him with fervor as he fingered him. He had never wanted someone so much. All the girls from his teenage years were nothing more than a way to blow off steam. The people who’d stolen his innocence were all dead, as far as he cared. But he wanted Felix. He wanted to pleasure him, and to let him explore his body. Every wound on the battlefield he’d ever taken for Felix was worth it. He’d take them all if he could, so that Felix would never have to feel pain again. Now, the swordmaster lay on his back as Sylvain guided his erection to his entrance. The feeling of ecstasy as he pushed inside was incomparable. Felix held his hips, pushing him ever deeper. Sylvain picked up tempo. Felix wanted to take every inch of him. He felt so good, and warm. It wasn’t long before he couldn’t take it anymore, and he was coming all over both of their bare chests. His contractions were enough to push Sylvain over the edge, and he released his seed inside of him. They lay together, panting.

“I love you, Sylvain. I always have,” he confessed, awaiting a response on bated breath. Sylvain stilled in his arms.

“You love me?” he asked in disbelief. It occurred to him that of all the people Sylvain had been with over the years, not one had ever loved him.

“You’re such an idiot… Yes.”

The brightest smile Felix had ever seen crept onto Sylvain’s face. “I love you, too.” He felt happy tears welling up in his eyes. If the rest of the world fell apart, nothing could take this from him. Glenn hadn’t been right about everything after all. He never would find a pretty girl to fall in love with. He had someone much better for him who already loved him back. It didn’t matter what the rest of the world thought. The two of them would figure it out, that he was sure of. He promised himself that never would he let someone hurt Sylvain again. From now on, he would be there, and they could protect each other.

Sylvain felt the ghosts of his past finally be laid to rest. Felix’s light shone bright enough in his heart that all that had been haunting him seemed to dissipate. Sure enough, the memories and nightmares would return, but he wasn’t alone anymore.

A new morning would come for both of them, one in which neither were so afraid of themselves anymore. Together, they would see this war through and come out the other side.

“Felix?”

“Yeah?”

“You know how we grew up together?”

“Obviously.”

“Do you remember the promise we made when we were kids? About sticking together until we die together?”

“I remember.”

“Well, I meant it. And I still mean it. I love you.”

Felix laced Sylvain’s fingers with his own.

“Me too, Sylvain. I love you, too.”

* * *

(As promised, the [link](https://rule34.xxx/index.php?page=post&s=view&id=4310983) to the spicy fan art)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intend to continue this as part of a series, I guess. The next bit will take place after this when they've returned to Garreg Mach, where their secret will be found out by... someone.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! I would love to hear feedback, whether you liked it or not. I'm always looking to improve, and the likelihood that this story will be edited to incorporate feedback is high :)


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